HAPPY HOLIDAYS! I’m Heather Jose, your host here at WeAreCaregivers.com. Today, please welcome author and columnist Cindy LaFerle, whose home website www.laferle.com is packed with more columns like this one. That’s her latest book cover, shown below. As a sometimes-stressed-out caregiver myself, I was moved to publish this column the moment I read Cindy’s hard-earned advice: Hey, sometimes you’ve just gotta disappoint someone!
EARLIER THIS FALL, I felt like the filling inside the proverbial midlife sandwich—managing my elderly mother’s healthcare needs while gearing up for my only child’s late September wedding. If I wasn’t driving Mom to the oral surgeon or the pacemaker clinic—or tracking down a pair of shoes she could wear to the wedding—I was reviewing menus for the rehearsal dinner or writing names on place cards in calligraphy.
Not that I’m complaining. My son’s wedding was beautiful, all said and done, and I’m still savoring memories of the highlights, including a special mother-son dance at the reception.
Most important of all, I’ve come to realize that guiding an elderly parent through her final years while helping a son launch a new life of his own are inevitable steps in the ongoing circle-dance of life. I also remind myself—especially when I’m racing from one spot to the next—that I’m blessed to have a freelance schedule that gives me the flexibility to step up when others need me.
But as Cheryl Richardson points out in her newest guide, The Art of Extreme Self-Care, it’s all too easy to lose oneself in the service of others. If you’re a caretaker, a professional caregiver, a people-pleaser, or anyone else who puts the needs of others first, you know what Richardson is talking about—and her book will speak to you.
Richardson used to be a woman who couldn’t say no. To anyone. She taught seminars and workshops, mentored clients, volunteered for organizations, and “supported needy friends who were struggling.” She was often exhausted and had little time left for her marriage. “I was a good girl. I was so used to playing the role of caretaker that it had become a normal way of life,” she writes.
Just in time, Richardson’s life coach challenged her to make some changes. Encouraging her to “desensitize” her fear of stirring conflict and letting people down, he suggested that she practice “disappointing” someone every day. As soon as I read that part, my palms started sweating. Like Richardson, I’ve often said “yes” when I should have said “no” — even when I knew I didn’t have the time or my heart wasn’t in it.
All because I hate to disappoint people.
It’s not easy to break out of this pattern. As Richardson notes, “One of the harsh realities about practicing Extreme Self-Care is that you must learn to manage the anxiety that arises when other people are disappointed, angry, or hurt. And they will be.”
When you stop worrying about what others think, you’re changing the “rules of the game,” she warns. Some of the folks who claim they can always count on you will play the guilt card when you dare to admit that you’re too tired to help, or that you can’t change your schedule to accommodate them.
Yesterday, after a two-year lapse, I finally visited my family doctor for a complete physical. After driving my mother to every medical specialist in Oakland County on a monthly basis for the past four years, it felt a little odd to focus on my own healthcare, my own needs. It hit me, while the technician hooked me up for my EKG, that I knew less about the general state of my own health than I do about my mother’s. And when my sympathetic doctor began my exam with the words, “Cindy, this time is about you—not about your mom or your son’s wedding,” well, I nearly dissolved into tears. I knew I was long overdue for a new season of self-care.
“If you want to live a meaningful life that also makes a difference in the lives of others, you need to make a difference in your own life first,” Richardson reminds us. “When we care for ourselves deeply and deliberately, we naturally begin to care for others—our families, our friends, and the world—in a healthier, more effective way.”
So … what have you done for yourself lately, my friend? Are you ready to risk disappointing someone today?
Cindy La Ferle is a lifestyles writer and blogger based in Michigan. She is the author of an award- winning memoir, Writing Home, and has published essays and lifestyles features in more than 70 regional and national newspapers. Visit her blog at www.laferle.com